Fail a QTE scene and he'll take a bullet between the eyes. It's really strange, seeing as the game's new dialogue has also been given a similar treatment. I'm certain the audio has been ripped straight from the Rambo VHS tapes, which would have been quite cool if it didn't sound so distorted and out of whack with the rest of the game. His fellow officers look on through last-gen eyes while the muffled dialogue takes us back to key moments from the original film trilogy.

The game opens with John Rambo's funeral, where the decorated war veteran's life is retold through a eulogy delivered by some kind of military official who appears to have been ripped from a PS2 game. I thought it would be the good kind of bullshit, but well, you already know where I'm going with this don't you? That's what I assumed about Teyon's Rambo game. This breed of film was bullshit, all of it but it was fun bullshit, hungover Sunday morning bullshit, the kind of bullshit you could absorb passively while watching grown men play soldiers. The man's face was pure teeth gnawing at the scenery for 90 minutes until it crumpled. Then consider John Travolta's mugging turn as Broken Arrow villain Vic Deakins. I approached it a bit like Arnold Schwarzenegger's action landmark 'Commando.' We all know the movie is utter bollocks, but its sheer absurdity makes it a rollicking success. I was cautiously optimistic about this one, I really was.

Out today on PC, PSN and Xbox Live in Europe. Rambo: The Video Game is out today, and '80s action movie fan Dave Cook reckons it's one of the least-enjoyable games he's had to play in a very long time.

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